Jesus came for dinner tonight

I don't even know how I can write the above words, but then again, trembling, I don't know how I could think otherwise.

Reading Matthew 25:35
For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. Then the righteous will answer him, Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and cloth you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you. The King will reply, I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.

Pastor Frank sat at our table tonight and talked about turning 40. He turned 40 while he was in America not very long ago. At home in Uganda there was a great celebration and rejoicing for his birthday. But Frank sat all alone an alien in a strange land reading the word of God. He had been turned away, taken to a homeless shelter, asked if he was sick or mentally ill. He wasn't recognized as a brother in Christ. He sat on his birthday weeping alone.

I wonder, said Frank, if this is how Jesus is feeling?

deep breath...I wonder if this is how Jesus is feeling, alone on his birthday weeping.

I am typing now, rather then face down in a puddle because I don't want to forget any words that were spoken tonight. I don't want to forget this feeling of heat and pain and ache I get constantly lately.

Frank doesn't know if he has met someone that can do what he came here looking for. He has no idea how he can just go home and continue to walk with God, shepard his sheep, care for his family, his church and the 280 orphans he cares for. Can he trust that God will provide. I know for Frank the test of his life might be.....will I go home? Will I trust that God will see me through. Will I head into a pack a wolves a defenseless sheep, not fearing for my own life because I know that this life is but a fleeting moment.

Will I believe God...

Lord God, I pray now as I type these words that you would give Frank the knowledge of your will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. I pray Lord that Frank would live a life worthy of you and please you in every way, bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of you, being strengthened with all power according to your glorious might so that Frank will have great endurance and patience, and joyfully give you thanks for salvation..

Ann typed the other day that while she was at a church this weekend she asked a lady about all of the pictures on her churches walls. The lady responded...when I hold these people close, it keeps me close to Jesus.

Some of my friends wrapped their arms around Frank tonight, I gave him a polite handshake and warm smile. I didn't even get a picture of him with my kids or make sure that they were aware that we had a guest.

I believe that God says in his word we must trust him, my life looks very different from Franks. I don't have an orphange, a congreation, 4 children. I am not battling the powers that be. I have to learn to trust GOD in a world that tells me I don't have to.

I HAVE TO.

It is strange to not want to pray "to have to" be constantly dependent on God. Unfortunately, for me, it might be the only way I will learn. I have no idea if being completely dependent on God is something that can be chosen and learned, I hope so, but if not okay. Lord teach me. Help me to recognize you, see with your heart, your eyes.

Advent Day 16

Advent Day 12

Today was a Sunday, full of rest, full of love and time together.

Yet, today I was extra short, extra critical and still found myself listening to my almost 7 year old say...Mom, you are the best mom ever, I reply "that is a nice thing to say" and hear "no seriously" "I try my best" is my reply feeling a shrinking inside as I then look to our art project, our paper picture of the natvity and say "you aren't doing it right, you need to layer from the top to the bottom or you will leave gaps"

seriously.

Just put the boys in bed, rant about their toys all over the floor, the endless dirty socks balled up in the stuffed animals, the pile of laundry that should have been completed. I feel unsettled, unhappy, angry .

I sit down at the computer to finish up the Christmas cards, John offers to print them tomorrow. And I sit at my computer instead of meeting him at our bible to type.

to let go.

Lord forgive me, I didn't rest in you today, I felt burdened, concerned for appearances, for applause. Then I read Ann's words, I need the Cross in the center of my life because I must cling to it, I must die daily.

and its true, yes I do, I need you.

The bounty of my life is overflowing, the provision that God brings is astonishing, Julian and Jude they make me catch my breath overwhelmed with love for them. This is how Jesus feels about me. He is my shepard and I am his sheep.

The messiness of my inside leaked out today, I keep hoping and praying I will be transparent the same outside and inside.

There is a spirit inside of me that urges me on...it is time. Go to your husband, listen as he reads and be thankful for mercy, for grace, for death.

Jesus, I believe I believe I believe Amen Amen Amen.